It is a year on down the line and some things are clearer and some things not so much…..
I have had many small adventures, theatre, symphony and other cherished music. Live performance is critical to my happiness. I have spent much time with loved female friends and have talked to the dog and the cat at great length. I have watched my son becoming, in a very real sense, the man he will always be while being intensely grateful he is my child. His help and support this past year has made my life manageable as I swing madly from fierce to afraid and learn how to do things I have never had to do.
I have learned to clean the pool, I have learned to dispose of dead animal cat gifts, I have learned I cannot change the light bulbs in the kitchen or the air conditioning filter. But I have found people to help me with what I cannot do and I accept that there is much I have to do. All this has shifted my perspective about what my life will look like in the future, what I want to deal with and what I don’t or won’t. BAM, everything changes.
I have understood love and I have not dated. I have taught children about God and in the process found my faith stronger. I have begun a crooked walk towards possible retirement and the financial realities that I will face. I have made music with people I love and in that creativity have found immense joy.
How odd to think that one morning I will wake up for the first time in about fifty years with no need to rise and go to someone else’s employ. Probably the most exciting and the scariest thing I have ever contemplated. If I can stay in the idea that this is a great opportunity and that wondrous things still await me at this late time in my life, it will be amazing. And so I work on creating options, possible paths for myself, knowing that at any moment, BAM, a totally different path may appear. Stay in the moment but plan….faith is the antidote to fear.
