I find myself oddly anxious and stressed out and have yet to get to the bottom of the matter. I have been single for almost 3 years after a lengthy marriage, I am recently retired, I am headed for the trip of a lifetime. Yet I can’t quite quiet my insides.
I am learning how to live on a once a month paycheck and budget accordingly. I am learning how to live with less of what is not important and more of what is. I am learning that I don’t have to get up at 6 in the morning, I can get up when my body decides it wants to.
I find myself thinking I have to do all those things I put off until retirement and then realizing – I don’t have to work tomorrow. I have, however, been weirdly busy. I will have to do some kind of meaningful work if I wish to do the things I wish to do. But I have opportunities for that. I have to make sure that my “self” doesn’t get lost in struggling for that.
I am so lucky, I have music to make, friends to see, food to eat, a home I love. There are so many blessings in my life that I can’t figure out what I am worried about. In my head I know I will be fine, it hasn’t quite cleared my throat chakra and moved into my heart yet. A dear friend once told me my problem is exactly that pesky chakra, that I am blocked there – too much in my head, not enough in my heart.
So, as I write this, I think the journey is from head to heart. From thinking to being. From knowing to feeling. What do I really want? Friends, travel, good food, music, books, a soft bed and love. I have them all, not always in the form I wished for, but I have them all. How lucky is that.