What Now?

It is morning, the sky is blue, the clouds are fluffy and I feel oddly anxious in this strange unstructured life. I seem always to have something to do and I wonder how that could be. Are these things that I simply ignored when I was working, things I chose to be in denial about or that I just put off until now? Maybe they are the things I filled my nights and weekends with so that I felt that I never had a day off.

How strange to be able to say, “I can do that tomorrow” or “there is no urgency”. But I still find myself thinking I must do it now. A lifetime of structure – I need to rewire my brain.

I am off to Germany and Poland in a few days and people keep saying to me “have fun”. Although I think this trip will be interesting, spiritually fulfilling, educational and emotional, I am not sure it will be exactly fun. It is a trip to visit the places of the holocaust, that horrific time that many people choose to deny or forget just as we forget or ignore the many many genocides that have taken place in our time. There are so many, Kosovo, Darfur, Rwanda, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Cambodia, Nanking, the Ukraine under Stalin, Armenia all in the last 100 years and many in my lifetime.

I am honored to be able to say Kaddish at the places my people died. I am filled with gratitude to be able to carry the memory of my Grandmother who, as a child, fled Russia with her mother and seven siblings to come to America. And I am proud to know that in a family of mixed and little faith, I carry the faith of my ancestors and represent them at a time critical in the survival of Judaism in America.

I am proud that I recently took a group of young Jewish students on an overnight trip the central purpose of which was to visit a small but powerful holocaust museum about three hours from our home Temple. We had fun too, but the impact it made on some of those young people was stunning.

So, in my unstructured life, I sat down at my computer to write, told Alexa to play some bebop and this is what I wrote.

Shalom

The Star ~

In the last weeks we have seen the face of the rise of overt antisemitism in this country. We have seen innocents murdered at prayer in their house of worship. We have seen homes spray painted with swastikas. We saw a man buy a ticket to Fiddler on the Roof so he could yell Heil Hitler! and Heil Trump! in the middle of the performance.

I am not so naive as to believe that antisemitism is really growing, it has been there all along. Just like racism and xenophobia of all kinds. I don’t think people’s feelings have really changed. What I think is that over the last decades, at least for a while, it became socially unacceptable to express those feelings in public, to act them out in overt and destructive ways. And so at the least overt expressions of hate, to some extent, went underground.

What I think is that the current leadership, or lack thereof, of our country has created or at least affirmed the “rightness”  of a culture of the expression of hate. It has become okay, or normal, to express racism, antisemitism, hate of Muslims, etc. in public and out loud.

My mother is not Jewish, and for some in my community that means I am not. My father is Jewish and in my Reform community that means I am Jewish if I say I am. I was asked once how I determined that my identity was Jewish. I thought about my answer carefully and my answer is this. If I had lived in Germany in the early part of the 19th century, I would not have been asked if my mother was Jewish or not or what my identity was. I would have had a star sewn to my coat, I would have been herded into a ghetto and ultimately a cattle car and sent to my almost certain death. It has always seemed to me that if I would have died for being it, I should be willing to die to defend being it.

For a long time I stopped wearing my Star of David, or anything around my neck, for reasons related to vanity. But seeing these expression of anti-semitism becoming socially “acceptable” or at least part of some new normal made me re-think that. Now I need to wear it, every day and visible outside my clothing. Because I can.

Can You Still Believe In Magic?

I wrote on Vayeira, this past week’s Torah portion last year and what struck me was that it is full of magic and miracles. Although there was much punishment and destruction, there was still magic and miracles.

It is hard to write, today, about magic and miracles. Saturday, in a synagogue in Pittsburgh, Jews were gunned down as they prayed their Sabbath prayers. They were not gunned down by Muslim extremists or other “imported” terrorists. They were gunned down by a homegrown anti-Semitic extremist who believed that Jews were somehow “alien” and a threat to his way of life. In Pittsburgh. He was known on extreme web sites as a virulent anti-Semite. He posted, essentially, what he planned to do, that he had had enough of us. And eleven innocent people are dead.

So it’s hard, today, to write about magic and miracles.  I taught religious school this morning and we talked about how you believe, how you have faith, in a world where bad things happen. We worked hard at this, at finding the path. These are 12 and 13 year olds, trying to find their path in so many ways. And then they have to think about and deal with things like this.

Why would they want to be Jews when Jews are targets? Why would they want to believe in a world where they can be shot down in school, in shul? I don’t think it is my place as a teacher to tell them what or how to believe. I can share what I believe, I can try to help them see a possible path, but everyone, teen or not, needs to find a way to faith on their own.

In the end I can’t promise them safety in their Jewish identity, we can only talk about the courage and self worth involved in being and standing up for who you are. We can only talk about living life not in fear. And that’s where faith comes in. We finally agreed that probably G-d does not create or cause bad things; life happens. Faith is what helps us through those things. The stories of the G-d of Genesis, testing and testing, are meant to instruct us but we need not take them literally. We work to find the lessons, everyone has to find their own path to belief. It would be wonderful if we could wave a magic wand and disappear the evil, the scary things, but alas we cannot. What I do know is that despite the evil in the world it is truly still full of magic and miracles – you just have to believe, and know where to look.

Chayei Sarah ~ it’s all about the women

And how fitting that this weeks’ portion is all about the women as we are in the midst of a firestorm of public accusations of sexual harassment and assault.  And even more importantly, a raft of local and state elections that in many instances favored women, often first time candidates.  Resistance has turned to running; and winning.

In this Torah portion Sarah, the first matriarch, dies at the age of 127 although Abraham, theoretically 137, is still alive.  Sarah is buried in a cave in Hebron and Abraham sends his servant off to find a wife for his son, Isaac, now I think 27; an advanced  age for marriage in those days.

The servant, Eliezer, asks G-d for a sign, understandable in light of the gravity of the task.  The sign comes when Rebecca show kindness to him and his camels, passing his “test”.  I love that the sign is kindness and generosity.  But it gets a little complicated here as Rebecca is the daughter of Abraham’s brother.  But nevertheless….

Rebecca is asked if she will go with this stranger, leave her home, her father’s house, and marry Isaac who she does not know.  And although her brothers wish a delay, she says yes and goes.  She duly marries Isaac and, by all accounts, is loved.

Finally, Hagar reappears as Abraham’s final wife giving him six more sons.  And so in the end, this portion is about the stamina, influence, loyalty and downright bravery of the women.  Sarah, who has made difficult choices but endured.  Rebecca who has had the courage to say hineini and march into her unknown future.  And Hagar who has seen her share of miracles.

When we bless our children we say “make them like….”.  And we name these matriarchs and patriarchs.  We are so in need of that blessing now.  No matter what your world views there can be little dispute that we are living in difficult, chaotic and frightening times.

So my wish for this Shabbat is that we have the stamina and enduring strength to make the hard choices as Sarah did.  That we have the courage to go forward boldly into the unknown as Rebecca did.  That we have the open mindedness to see the miracles that could save us as Hagar did.

May the examples of these women inspire us all; may we be like them always.  Shabbat shalom.

Lech L’cha ~ Where do I go from here

Every time I study this Torah portion I think of Debbie Friedman’s beautiful song Lechi  Lach.  Abraham is commanded to go forth, to leave his land, his birthplace, his father’s house to a place unknown to him.  G-d says I will show you the land where you are going and make of you a great nation.

I am always amazed at what Abraham is required to do, in Genesis, without knowing why or what, and at his willingness to to just do. As always, many other things happen in this portion, not the least of which is the birth of sons to Abraham and Sarah, the start of two great nations.  These sons come very late in their lives and I can relate as the mature mother of a son, but that is another story.  And G-d seals the covenant promising Abraham the  land that would be our eternal heritage, the land he will never see. Would we still be Israel if Abraham had not been so willing?

Leaps of faith, think of times in your life when you have had to make such a leap.  I have known those moments. I stood, for example, in a hospital lobby and was handed a five day old baby boy with only a promise, no papers, that he would be mine.  He was, he is, and he is 24.  When I needed help, I was told that there was a group of people that could help me change my life, I did not know how or them, but some 30 years ago they did and still do.

I find myself again at one of those life moments.  Much of the time, the future is generally somewhat predictable with the exception of extraordinary or catastrophic events.  But then there are those times when the future is not only unpredictable, it is unknowable, imponderable, unimaginable.  Where will I live, what will I do, who will I love, who will love me?  I no longer have my parents home to leave or return to, one left for good some six years ago, and one soon enough. Despite the roots I have put down, I feel rootless, grounded only in faith.  Is this how Abraham felt when he journeyed to Canaan not knowing what came next, knowing only G-d’s promise of the good to come?

There is a Lubavitcher midrash that says that this moment, the start of Abraham’s journey to becoming, is the start of the search for the spark of holiness in everything in the material world.  What a quest, to find holiness in everything.  Isn’t that the search we should be on?

So, blind faith. The willingness to journey on despite the not knowing.  The willingness to believe that there is yet good around the next bend.  Blind faith, the leap.  Abraham was willing and we became Israel.   I am willing, are you?

Shabbat shalom